Deep is the Night

Pain. Emotional pain. The kind that makes the air thick until it's hard to breathe, all the while your chest is squeezing in on itself in order to keep your heart from exploding. My soul. Is it still in there? Or did it die so many years ago there on the floor as tears flowed like a waterfall, sobs bursting forth as my throat constricted to forcibly hold them in, body wracked with shaking and pain....... pain so bad I'm sure I died. It must still be there or would I feel any emotion? If anything I'm more emotional than I was in my childhood. A part of me broken and unable to keep the tears from flowing when they threaten. Broken. I feel broken. Must be my soul. First there was the numbing blackness. When I was alone I would think about everything and the numbing blackness would take over my mind. At least that's all I can remember. No emotion, only the numbing backness. My body trying to protect itself from the pain. I would tell them I was fine and hide it behind a smile and sense of humor. Thank God I have a sense of humor because nothing about any of it was really funny. Thick air creeping in on me. Throat clamping down. Trying to stop the emotion. Stop the cries. I want to scream. I want everyone to know what I'm feeling and what I've been through. My mind thinks of all the other people and how they have their own problems to deal with. Some of which are much, much worse. I have no right to complain. No right to hurt as much as I do. Suck it up and keep going. Most are not able to understand. No one can help. Alone. Just as alone as that little girl on the couch waiting for an ambulance. Waiting for death to come. Waiting for change that she's not ready for. Scared and alone as if in outer space and there's a malfunction. No one's coming to help. No one can come and help. They can't hear her scream. She never opens her mouth. She sits silently and waits in the dark. Too young to know how to help. Too scared to think beyond the moment. It's dark, but quiet. Peaceful yet chaotic. In the silence of the night there is no sound to indicate she's even aware on the outside. Darkness is the worst. Must stay awake and alert. Won't catch me off guard.