The Good Good

I'm trying to post regularly. I've not been very good at it the past year. I've still been working on myself and I finally had to break down and have my medicine dosage increased. I was worried about doing so because I was afraid that it would make me even sleepier or just completely take away my ability to feel..... anything. I've also been holding out the hope that one day I won't have to take anything because my brain will just get better. There's a stigma when you mention that you're on medication for depression and anxiety and it took me longer to get over that than anything. Months went by and I still was lacking motivation and every time I had a break through I would have a break down about a week later. I finally went and got the dosage increased and was a little disappointed when it didn't work right away. Funny how we think it should work like that. I knew that it would take a few weeks of the increased dosage to notice a difference, but for some reason I thought it would work instantly by the next day and became disheartened, so much so that I stopped taking it for a few days. Big mistake. Whenever I forget to take my medicine I will usually notice by the next day. The irritability kicks in and I get downright snappy. If I continue to not take it then the days following will get progressively worse. This has happened ever since I had my son. It also gets really bad a few weeks before the visitation of Aunt Flo, but the day she arrives I'm happy and right as rain. About a week later the build up starts again. After the week of not taking my medicine I had a particularly bad day and called my mom. It ended with me crying and telling her how I felt sometimes it would be better for my kids if I weren't here to drag them down. I meant in the way of leaving and going somewhere else, not killing myself. I had given up thoughts of killing myself after I had that scare where I was going to. The next day I woke up, was greeted by Aunt Flo and realized that I might have killed myself for no damn good reason at all and the thought of my kids having to deal with a parent's death........ well we all know already how I feel about that. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. That was the day I decided to ask for medication and even though I haven't though about harming myself since, I don't rule out the possibility that it will never happen in the future and I try to stay on guard. Obviously so does my mom because she came down the next day. It really was a big help to have her there. Just knowing that she would drop everything and come because I needed her made me want to hug the world. She is no stranger to depression herself. When you have an auto immune disease it seems to be one of the side effects. It messes with your brain chemistry and makes an already messed up situation a total cluster f*@k. I remember when she called me a few years ago asking if I wanted anything of hers. After we got off the phone I spent the next few hours trying to get ahold of my Aunt. When I finally did I found that she had already taken her to the doctor. My Aunt also battles with depression. Here we are, a little circle of women, looking out for each other. Now that I've upped my dosage I'm wondering why I didn't do it sooner. I'm starting to get some motivation back and I'm not having anymore bad days, but I still have days when I just want to sleep. I'm even thinking about going up another 50 mg to see what happens. Lately I've been busy making lots of things so that I can get a business up and running. There may still be bumps in the road, but for now I'm gonna ride this good good until then.