Darkness

This is a piece I wrote during a particularly dark time in my life. My depression was really kicking my butt and when it gets that bad I find that art or words can help relieve the pressure building inside. I was very saddened by the passing of Robin Williams. He was, for me, a relief in times of darkness. A little bit of happy life, an escape from the darkness, and I'm saddened that he got to a point where he had no more light left in his own mind and heart to keep moving on. I've had friends and family that have committed or have tried to commit suicide and many more that have contemplated and had to be taken in for help. Every time it is a jarring reminder and I hope that I never ever feel like there is no light left in this world for me ever again, but if I do, I will remember them all and remember this bit of writing and remember that it can and will get better. Darkness. The darkness of life, the darkness of other people, the darkness in yourself, the darkness that closes in around you when you're alone. In the dark there is loneliness. Fights in the night. Anxiety gripping your guts until you want to vomit. A little girl now doomed to live in the dark as everything changes before they think she's old enough to understand the difference. Alone in the dark until stinging fingers wake you from your peaceful sleep. Leave me alone. But his perversion's too strong for him to stop. Too strong to have mercy for a little girl in the dark. That little girl now doomed to live in the dark. There's no getting away from it now. Alone in the dark. Woken by soft words “I'm dying”. Funny. It seems something like that should be more violent. More alarming. More...... something. Alone as she sits on the couch waiting for the ambulance, not knowing if it's actually coming. Mom said she called Dad and she hopes he won't leave her there alone, but she's lived through enough to wonder. The quiet is strange. The darkness closes in on her mind. Not ready for the change that might come with the morning. Not older than seven and already the world is so dark. Keep going. Keep living. Keep smiling in the daylight. Keep moving on. Survival is strong, but this won't be the last time death comes asking for her only anchor. One more time. Two more times. Three more times. Four....... she stops counting. The darkness gets a little darker making it hard to keep track. Made it this far. Going to make it. Almost an adult. Going to make it. Then she can keep care of them because she'll be an adult. Summer before last year of high school. Almost there. Exciting prospects fill her head and maybe she'll be able to leave the darkness behind. But the darkness is always waiting. Black holes do exist and you can't escape the gravity trying to suck you back in. Visit the hospital and it's waiting. Emergency. Had to do surgery again. Wait in the waiting room. So full of people yet so lonely. Do they all feel as alone? Do they feel the dark crowding in their mind. Waiting. Waiting. Feels like forever in the dark. No sense of time. Waiting. ICU. And doctors. One doctor talking, and talking, and talking. She hears the words and understands, but her eyes are stuck on the bed they wheel in. Talking and she's waiting, wanting to be rude and just leave him there to talk to himself. Finally. Trying to smile as she sees her to give some hope, but she's failing. The smile never fully forms, fighting against the scream inside her head trying to get out. Eyes open and a mouth forms the words “Go home”. She's jarred by the ripping sensation in her heart. Two words, simple, but carrying more meaning. The one in the bed doesn't want her to watch her die. She can't help it and her feet have carried her from the room and to her car before she can stop to really think about it. Darkness closing in. Darkness clouding what happened next. How did she get home? Would they call when she was gone? Would she make it through the night? Sitting alone in the darkness. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for a call that'll change everything so suddenly. It never comes. She should be grateful, but the darkness is here to stay and she knows it. She becomes a nurse while others are celebrating the transition into adulthood. Blood and bile and vomit and holes oozing fecal matter. Medicines in syringes. A tube to replace eating. Pain medicine and more medicines that change personalities. Hateful words when she's trying to help. All she's ever done is try to help. All she's ever done is to love. Don't be a victim. Move forward. One foot in front of another into the deepening darkness. Years of rebuilding herself. Years of rebuilding relationships because all she's ever done is love. It's better to have every moment of happiness that you can have regardless of the past. They are fireflies in the darkness. The only light she can ever have. This darkness will never leave, but she'll catch the fireflies and hold them close in her hand and find a way to the other people lost in the darkness.